How My Life Started to Make Sense After 40

Brad Razorfed
4 min readMay 11, 2024
My wife and I under the chair lift while hiking at Red River Gorge in Slade, Kentucky — August 2023

I’m 17 years old, just sitting in my room playing video games and listening to music as normal. It was the day before Thanksgiving and my mom was out shopping with my family from out of town. This wasn’t anything out of the norm, I rarely ever wanted to go out shopping with family because I got bored easily just browsing Wal-Mart or Big Lots like the rest of my family. I was always more comfortable sitting at home playing guitar, video games, or just putting my headphones on and drowning out the world. My room is covered in posters of various metal bands from Pantera to Sepultura, your stereotypical angsty teenage boy’s room in the 90s. Suddenly I started thinking about my bully calling me a loser every day at school, the girls laughing when I would ask them out, or all the other kids having a laugh at the fat kid’s expense. That’s when the urge took over, the urge to just say “Fuck it, I’ll give them what they obviously want, I’ll leave” so I just start taking whatever medicine or pills are laying around in hopes that I just take so much that I pass out and die in my sleep before anyone gets home.

This is when it became obvious that something was wrong.

I was always “off,” so to speak, especially compared to my friends and classmates. I wasn’t interested in sports, cars, or other stereotypical things like my peers. Yeah, I enjoyed those things…